Moving to Denver
Thanksgiving always sparks a bit of reflection on my part. In my memory it was my visit to Denver in 2000 over the Thanksgiving holiday weekend that cemented my decision to leave graduate school in Santa Barbara and move to Denver to join Allison and Lisa in raising Zian.
But when I turned to my journal from that year, what I found subverted my own memory. It was not on Thanksgiving that I made this decision. It seems I had made it much earlier, although I'm not clear as to when I actually shared my new conviction with Allison and Lisa.
Here is my entry from August 1, 2000, the day that Lisa called me with the news that Allison was pregnant:
This morning began with a surprising yet expected phone call--Lisa's voice in my ear--I--struggling out of sleep's haze--realized she said--Allison peed on a stick this moring--and there's a faint blue line ... a few moments passed before the importance of those words resonated through me--It seems quite likely that Allison's pregnant!!! I'm dumbfounded, in awe, bursting with joy--full of hope, a little scared,--but whew! what an announcement. My only disappointment--I wish I could be there ... somehow it feels more and more likely that I will be moving to Denver sometime soon ... not in this year, but once this baby is here--how can I stay away? Thoughts are racing through my mind--can transfer into Boulder? Can I be a long distance student? Can I finish my MA and take time off--a leave of absence and return in a few years? So much to think about ... What a morning to remember--Tuesday, August 1, at 7:15 am, Lisa Lusero called to tell me our family may very well have begun ... How fabulous!--Sometimes the world does make sense after all. Ugh--now I have to wait three or four days--until Al takes another test to confirm--must have patience--yet all I want to do is jump on a plane and go visit and celebrate ... !
What a morning ...
Turning to the pages from Thanksgiving of that year, I find myself visiting Denver, to join Allison and Lisa for the ultrasound appointment. In this entry, my impulse to move to Denver is evident, yet troubled by indecision, by uncertainties not about my interest or commitment to parenting or to our family but about graduate school, teaching, writing--my professional life. Here are few excerpts:
November 20, 2000--Flying from Phoenix to Denver--in two days we shall know the sex of our baby--we will see a picture of the new life inside Allison--I can't even imagine--so much seems to be shifting--settling in unpredictable ways. Allison, Lisa, and myself--we are going to be parents--and I feel so drawn to Denver--an urge like never before to move out--these next months will confirm so much I believe--I yearn for the solid depth of community of love of family and connection that Denver offers--I only hope it's not nostalgic illusion--I'm sure it's not entirely--and I'm sure it partially is--but the question I can't help but ask--as this child begins to form into its own self--how can I not say yes! yes! yes! to it?
And yet the next day, even as I record my growing fondness for Denver and sense that I would enjoy living here, I still register a sense of indecision:
November 21, 2000--I still feel uncertain about leaving UCSB--as if I do not know what I want from more reading--I've thoroughly enjoyed the teaching I've done this quarter--I could really grow into this role--so I question myself, how important is the PhD? How important is it from UCSB?--How hard will 10 weeks next fall really be?
As I copy out these passages from my journal, which only begins to suggest the level of intense self-conscious interrogation that I seemed to have subjected myself to, I wonder, what was I saying to Allison and Lisa at this time? How much of this internal process did I share with them? At what point did I actually say, "I'm moving to Denver?" The entry from 11/21 suggests that I had already planned to work for Aaron transcribing the conference into a book over the summer, so how much had I committed to at this point? Did we even know?
--Geoffrey
But when I turned to my journal from that year, what I found subverted my own memory. It was not on Thanksgiving that I made this decision. It seems I had made it much earlier, although I'm not clear as to when I actually shared my new conviction with Allison and Lisa.
Here is my entry from August 1, 2000, the day that Lisa called me with the news that Allison was pregnant:
This morning began with a surprising yet expected phone call--Lisa's voice in my ear--I--struggling out of sleep's haze--realized she said--Allison peed on a stick this moring--and there's a faint blue line ... a few moments passed before the importance of those words resonated through me--It seems quite likely that Allison's pregnant!!! I'm dumbfounded, in awe, bursting with joy--full of hope, a little scared,--but whew! what an announcement. My only disappointment--I wish I could be there ... somehow it feels more and more likely that I will be moving to Denver sometime soon ... not in this year, but once this baby is here--how can I stay away? Thoughts are racing through my mind--can transfer into Boulder? Can I be a long distance student? Can I finish my MA and take time off--a leave of absence and return in a few years? So much to think about ... What a morning to remember--Tuesday, August 1, at 7:15 am, Lisa Lusero called to tell me our family may very well have begun ... How fabulous!--Sometimes the world does make sense after all. Ugh--now I have to wait three or four days--until Al takes another test to confirm--must have patience--yet all I want to do is jump on a plane and go visit and celebrate ... !
What a morning ...
Turning to the pages from Thanksgiving of that year, I find myself visiting Denver, to join Allison and Lisa for the ultrasound appointment. In this entry, my impulse to move to Denver is evident, yet troubled by indecision, by uncertainties not about my interest or commitment to parenting or to our family but about graduate school, teaching, writing--my professional life. Here are few excerpts:
November 20, 2000--Flying from Phoenix to Denver--in two days we shall know the sex of our baby--we will see a picture of the new life inside Allison--I can't even imagine--so much seems to be shifting--settling in unpredictable ways. Allison, Lisa, and myself--we are going to be parents--and I feel so drawn to Denver--an urge like never before to move out--these next months will confirm so much I believe--I yearn for the solid depth of community of love of family and connection that Denver offers--I only hope it's not nostalgic illusion--I'm sure it's not entirely--and I'm sure it partially is--but the question I can't help but ask--as this child begins to form into its own self--how can I not say yes! yes! yes! to it?
And yet the next day, even as I record my growing fondness for Denver and sense that I would enjoy living here, I still register a sense of indecision:
November 21, 2000--I still feel uncertain about leaving UCSB--as if I do not know what I want from more reading--I've thoroughly enjoyed the teaching I've done this quarter--I could really grow into this role--so I question myself, how important is the PhD? How important is it from UCSB?--How hard will 10 weeks next fall really be?
As I copy out these passages from my journal, which only begins to suggest the level of intense self-conscious interrogation that I seemed to have subjected myself to, I wonder, what was I saying to Allison and Lisa at this time? How much of this internal process did I share with them? At what point did I actually say, "I'm moving to Denver?" The entry from 11/21 suggests that I had already planned to work for Aaron transcribing the conference into a book over the summer, so how much had I committed to at this point? Did we even know?
--Geoffrey
posted by L. Indra Lusero at 8:00 AM
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