More Traditional
In our holiday card this year we sent a picture of the six of us; the dads, the moms, and the kids. Somewhere in the accompanying letter I referred to us as a "non-traditional" family. It was just an easy, catch-all term. I didn't think twice about it. Until my cousin Lou (who is more like a youngish grandfather than a cousin) wrote us a card and said I shouldn't refer to my family as non-traditional - because it would allow people to give us less respect. It was an interesting perspective that I hadn't thought about. It was sweet. I think he was trying to say that our family deserves respect, that we're just a family like any family.
But at the same time, my feathers ruffled, I don't want to be a family like any family. It is different to share parenting with three other adults, and we are queer, and it's the combination really, that makes us a non-traditional family. But then it struck me, maybe I should refer to us as a "more traditional" family. I think our family is more akin to the extended family network than the more recently developed nuclear family. It's been more common throughout history and across cultures for kids to be parented by multiple adults, and not just one or two. It's been traditionally common for adults to live in collaborative teams of more than just two; parents and grandparents living together, sisters, clans...
The nuclear family was a limited response to a set of social factors including industrialization and imperialism and the moral values that accompanied those things during the 20th century - and it has been for many, an imagined and unattainable ideal (though, oddly enough, all four of us co-parents come from quintessential, intact, nuclear families). The shape of families continues to chafe against our cultural values in the 21st century (check out http://www.contemporaryfamilies.org/index.php). In the face of impossible pressures to the nuclear family, part of how I want to distance myself from that so-called "tradition" is by modeling a more sustainable alternative. And not in a way that romanticizes history or other cultures in other contexts, but in a way that addresses the reality of our world, now. It's common for parents on the playground to sigh when they hear about our family arrangement, and say, "I wish I had two more parents to help out." While, at the same time, they totally resign themselves to the cultural-committments they have made. They know that any other choice would have been too queer; other options, just aren't options for them.
Some people rationalize the added work of coordinating with more adults and say "I just couldn't do that," some even think through it enough to know that the emotional maturity of sharing a kid would be too much for them. Still others have a sense of what it really means from the blended families they already navigate as a result of divorce, and then imagine what it could be like if everyone "got along." I always make a point of saying it does take extra coordination and emotional maturity - I would hate for someone to run headlong into co-parenting with rosy goggles, and sometimes I even get a little snobby and think, "you're probably right, you don't have enough emotional maturity."
But then I am reminded of the fact that what we're doing isn't fancy, it's just a fact of life. Kids need lots of adult support. And kids wil wrangle as many adults into their corner as they possibly can. It's what kids are built to do. It's a necessity. Some people pay for extra adults, for others, the extra adults appear as extended-family, or teachers, or coaches, or best-friends' parents, the list could go on and on. You're probably co-parenting as we speak! It's impossible for any one, or two, or even four parents to meet all of the adult-needs of a kid, alone.
Though I would have thought my partner and I could handle it. If our parents could do it, couldn't we? There was never a doubt in our minds that we could cover it... Until we were actually here! Both working full-time, going back to school even, trying to maintain a relationship, have a life! How do people do it?!! It's INSANE!! I can't believe that it is our family that is scrutinized. I can't believe that it is this kind of family set-up that perplexes and befuddles. I think my cousin Lou was right, using the word non-traditional sets us too far outside of what's what. This isn't some sort of priveleged-deviation, something people with too-much education and theoretical-underpinnings do - this is just what it takes; people need people, plenty.
-Lisa
But at the same time, my feathers ruffled, I don't want to be a family like any family. It is different to share parenting with three other adults, and we are queer, and it's the combination really, that makes us a non-traditional family. But then it struck me, maybe I should refer to us as a "more traditional" family. I think our family is more akin to the extended family network than the more recently developed nuclear family. It's been more common throughout history and across cultures for kids to be parented by multiple adults, and not just one or two. It's been traditionally common for adults to live in collaborative teams of more than just two; parents and grandparents living together, sisters, clans...
The nuclear family was a limited response to a set of social factors including industrialization and imperialism and the moral values that accompanied those things during the 20th century - and it has been for many, an imagined and unattainable ideal (though, oddly enough, all four of us co-parents come from quintessential, intact, nuclear families). The shape of families continues to chafe against our cultural values in the 21st century (check out http://www.contemporaryfamilies.org/index.php). In the face of impossible pressures to the nuclear family, part of how I want to distance myself from that so-called "tradition" is by modeling a more sustainable alternative. And not in a way that romanticizes history or other cultures in other contexts, but in a way that addresses the reality of our world, now. It's common for parents on the playground to sigh when they hear about our family arrangement, and say, "I wish I had two more parents to help out." While, at the same time, they totally resign themselves to the cultural-committments they have made. They know that any other choice would have been too queer; other options, just aren't options for them.
Some people rationalize the added work of coordinating with more adults and say "I just couldn't do that," some even think through it enough to know that the emotional maturity of sharing a kid would be too much for them. Still others have a sense of what it really means from the blended families they already navigate as a result of divorce, and then imagine what it could be like if everyone "got along." I always make a point of saying it does take extra coordination and emotional maturity - I would hate for someone to run headlong into co-parenting with rosy goggles, and sometimes I even get a little snobby and think, "you're probably right, you don't have enough emotional maturity."
But then I am reminded of the fact that what we're doing isn't fancy, it's just a fact of life. Kids need lots of adult support. And kids wil wrangle as many adults into their corner as they possibly can. It's what kids are built to do. It's a necessity. Some people pay for extra adults, for others, the extra adults appear as extended-family, or teachers, or coaches, or best-friends' parents, the list could go on and on. You're probably co-parenting as we speak! It's impossible for any one, or two, or even four parents to meet all of the adult-needs of a kid, alone.
Though I would have thought my partner and I could handle it. If our parents could do it, couldn't we? There was never a doubt in our minds that we could cover it... Until we were actually here! Both working full-time, going back to school even, trying to maintain a relationship, have a life! How do people do it?!! It's INSANE!! I can't believe that it is our family that is scrutinized. I can't believe that it is this kind of family set-up that perplexes and befuddles. I think my cousin Lou was right, using the word non-traditional sets us too far outside of what's what. This isn't some sort of priveleged-deviation, something people with too-much education and theoretical-underpinnings do - this is just what it takes; people need people, plenty.
-Lisa
posted by L. Indra Lusero at 11:41 PM
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